WooHoo! A new year and a new blog!

2009-01-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, obviously the biggest thing to happen in the world this week was the introduction of not one, but two MTV reality shows, The City and Bromance. Because I am angry and bitter at not getting laid last night, I'm going to start off by digging into the second.

Bromance is fittingly titled because Mr. Brody Jenner not only has a name that begins with B, R, and O, but also because he is, in fact, a bro. And as his producers so clearly wrote for him to read into the camera, he explains that a 'bromance' is a bond between two dudes, but of course we already knew that because we also live on this earth. The other obvious thing that he did fail to mention, however, is that the show is a direct response to the pseudo success of Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Clearly the creative minds at MTV wanted to cash in for an early vacation.

I hate Brody for several reasons. Here's a few:

1) He's a luckyass bastard for winning the birth lottery.

2) He's not funny.

3) You can tell just by looking at him that he doesn't read books.

4) He has only three looks (the grin, the confused look, and the 'Oh Snap!' face).

5) His story lines were the boringest part of The Hills.

6) He's a walking dildo.

So why exactly are dudes "competing" to become his bud? They entered the show without any knowledge of a prize (turns out the "winner" will get Brody's pad, but of course that was a surprise), and I doubt that his involvement would extend beyond when the cameras are rolling. Maybe they were hoping for their own spin-off show. Or maybe it's just that none of them have ever slept in an Ikea bed before.

Eitherway I'm gunning for the token black dude because after five years of watching that Laguna crew toil around I haven't yet seen a brotha. (News flash: Orange County is Racist!)

But whatevs, we love the show the same way we love tonguing a cold sore, and we'll keep coming for more despite how much it pains us.

Now... onto the important things.

My girl Whitney Port has finally gotten paid for the years she put in kissing Lauren Conrad's ass. Now she'll be able to kick that ass too because The Hills is all but o.v.e.r. and The City (like everything New York) will dominate and take the reigns of that ever crucial under 30 audience that MTV clings to.

Just the same, there need to be a few adjustments. First, Jay already sucks and I'm hoping him and his fake teeth get weeded off the show asap. Although I'm sure that his Australian accent will take him far by way of first impressions for the ladies, I'm always skeptical of someone that had to leave their home country. Whitney should be skeptical because he tosses his hair more than her.

What's with this Olivia Palermo bitch? Yes, we've already done our web research (check out the story from New York magazine), but really, what horse did she ride in on? Did you catch that part when she was arranging the table and talks over her doting boy and exhales "someone needs to be an inspiration," as if anyone would be inspired by her derivative style. She needs to take those 90's hair clips out and learn to open a door in one try. But it'll be fun to watch her melt with her own self-unawareness.

BTW, you know she got the gig because her publicist was Kelly Cutrone. Oh the things Daddy's money can buy...

I'm already crushing on Erin. Casting did a great job there. I think I jizzed my pants a bit when she got all excited about coffee. Although it is irritating that she's been labeled the downtown role model when she lives in a skyrise in Gramercy? I'll believe she's downtown only when I see her smoking in alphabet city.

I'm also looking forward to seeing:

1) Whitney's apartment hunt and the subsequent compromises.

2) Her first trip to the doctor's with her first venereal disease.

3) Olivia's off-camera meltdown when she comes to the realization that no one can stand her.

4) The City After Show

5) Erin's fashion line and internet photo scandal.

rock it,

Tom Blunt

SHMEALITY

WooHoo! A new year and a new blog!